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Pages: made up my mind on what I am going to do tonight [1]
Author Topic: Made up my mind on what I am going to do tonight
stauter

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2011-01-03 1-40-02-

made up my mind on what I am going to do tonight OK so I am the OP who does not know if they should they leave their wife and I am the OP who had a big fight last night over our issues. Our problem is she makes no effort to EVER make me feel special or important to her. If I go home tonight and she makes an attempt at saying she is sorry I will stay, if not I am leaving. I just can't take it anymore.
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pinkowski

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2011-01-03 17-03-10

I support you and your decision
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like

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2011-01-03 17-58-01

why are you putting the ball in her court? go home and say what you want to say, don't do a little random test.
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jeff

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2011-01-03 23-25-25

Have you told her this? She may need a reality check to realize the upcoming consequences and the degree to which you feel pushed. Have you specifiy told her: "If I do not see improvements from you in X,Y and Z areas within the next (period of time). Some examples of what you could be doing are: A, B and C. If I do not see these things start to happen, I cannot continue in this relationship and WILL (find my own apartment, move out, file for legal separation, whatever)." State the specific problem(s). Give specific solutions. Give a deadline. State the consequences. Make it all TANGIBLE. Or have you already done all of this?
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brownfield

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2011-01-04 3-53-21-

yes and she says yes I've discussed this before, then she says I am threating her and being mean to her. This is her reasons (me being mean) for not having sex with me. My resons for being upset with her is she won't have sex with me.... Seriously, other then the sex issue, everything is OK
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  • mahannah

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    2011-01-04 6-23-16-

    Well, it appears that you do have more issues than "just" the sex (or lack thereof) in your relationship, right? I mean, she won't do anything to take care of her mental health or the house and it sounds like she's emotionally shutting you out. None of that is "okay". It does sound like she is depressed, but unfortunately it may take some concrete action on your part to wake her up enough to want to do anything about it. I think you may need to pack a suitcase and spend a few days at a hotel, for a start. She needs to see a real, actual, observable consequence to her lack of participation in your relationship. Please do resist the urge to have an affair, though. You may be able to save your relationship, but adultery would be just more issue muddying the waters that you really don't need right now. You've already gone this long without sex, you can wait awhile longer. Porn and the hand are your friends here. Splurge on pay-per-view at the hotel, if you must, but an affair is not the answer.
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  • katherine

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    2011-01-04 7-00-51-

    What exactly are you going to tell her? Are you giving her an ultimatum? Wouldn't it be better to discuss this type of thing when you're not so angry and when she's not so likely to become defensive? I think you're right, you need to talk but its HOW you talk that will make the difference
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    lopeman

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    2011-01-04 17-30-06

    did you read my advise below? You cant expect her to apoligize just like that.. Sometimes I wish the SO's would come on here and explain their side.. because something is just not adding up for me. You love your wife and and claim to be supportive, loving and thoughtful.. yet when you explain what she says.. your "mean". If you really want to get to the bottom of this, I would suggest stop thinking about you and YOUR feelings for a moment and think about hers... Sit down with her, no around, no fighting, yelling, arguments, nothing NEG. Try not to say things like "YOU dont do this... or you dont do that.." that will get her defensive and shut her down.. say things like "Honey, I really adore you and im sorry if im coming across as mean lately, I have just been feeling a bit confused about our relationship, we used to have the best of times and I feel like im getting the sloppy seconds, I know the come first and you are a GREAT mother.. I just need a little more attention from you from time to time. I want to feel like I am still the man of your dreams..." This is getting your feelings out, not bashing or belittling her and hopefully hits a soft spot.. IF the conversation seems like its heading south, say "I didnt want this to be another argument, I will talk to you when were both calm.." give her a quick peck and leave the room.
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  • damman

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    2011-01-04 17-58-34

    The other day when you posted this you said something about her blaming the sex thing on "female problems" and you also said she Does actually have "mercy sex" with you every 6 weeks. What female issues does she have? This may not be an "excuse", as you say. I don't think testing this is a mature way to go about it. I understand that you may have to do this in order to get yourself motivated. But, you really should instead make a decision and talk to her about it. I like what sfsis said- communicate w/ her, be firm, stand your ground.
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    helice

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    2011-01-05 4-09-34-

    her medical issues She has seen about 800 doctors, she has had a complete hysterectomy and this is her reason for no sex drive, but would most people not want to make their spouse happy??? nothing, or no can help. I don't pressure her for intercourse everyday but once or twice a month might be nice. This has been going on for about ten years and I can honestly tell you the lack of sex and the physical connection between my wife and I is KILLING ME AND DRIVING ME CRAZY. And I can't even get a hand job or a BJ. I have not had a BJ in about a year and a half. She just does not seem to care.
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  • crilley

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    2011-01-05 6-11-21-

    There should be a balance between making your spouse happy and making yourself happy. Making yourself happy should be key though. I think loss of drive after being roto-rooted is common but I also think that there are some drugs that can be taken to help with that. How was your sex life before the surgery?
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    Rodina

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    2011-01-13 17-01-56

    ^ seems to me having a hysterectomy is a pretty good reason for no sex drive! how do you know she doesn't want to make you happy? she may WANT to make you happy...but have you tried asking her how (having a hysterectomy) all of that makes her feel? maybe she feels unattractive, maybe her confidence is shot, maybe she doesn't feel womanly anymore...crazy as it sounds i think a woman losing her uterus would make her feel like she's lost a huge part of herself!
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    bogus

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    2011-01-23 4-45-19-

    so losing your uterus is reason to stop living Ok she had a hysterectomy over 8 years ago... is that a good reason to stop living and ignore your spouse? Spouses have obligations to their spouse. I make a very big effort to do my share, and more, everyday to make her happy, take care of my , and work to provide for us. My single biggest issue here is it just seems my happiness does not seem to be that important to her. Most of the woman here have been supportive and understanding and I appreciate that. OK she has some issues and I, and others, have been working to help her.... the biggest problem is she won't help herself.
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  • Janka

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    2011-02-22 23-54-01

    Has she tried any drug therapy of any kind to help w/ her lack of sex drive???? That would be a wonderful thing for her to do both for you and herself. If se refuses to do this, I do agree w/ you. But if she has tried this and it really hasn't helped, I don't so much agree w/ you. I do think she could do the BJ thing.
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    glidewell

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    2011-05-22 3-38-21-

    How would you feel if we cut off your cock? Do you think it might impact you and how you live your life?
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  • shadduck

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    2011-10-01 2-40-22-

    yes but Yes it would, but I would still try to make my wife happy. I would still try to take care of her wants and needs.
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  • plimpton

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    2011-10-01 15-06-00

    Has she tried testosterone to improve libido?
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    reddell

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    2012-05-16 15-09-37

    Is this the only area that's a big problem? The thing is, if she's depressed and miserable (very likely) then trying to help someone else be happy is a bit out of reach. When you're at that point you're just trying to get through each day inpiece. You say what you *think* you would do, but unless you've experienced deep depression, you really have no idea where she is in her mind. You keep focusing on all the things you do and how she's lacking because she's not just like you. I imagine she feels that which makes her more depressed. You haven't seemed to show much sympathy or understanding for what she might be going through but have focused on what she's not doing for you and you keep mentioning about how she should be trying to make you happy. You haven't outlined how you've tried to help her mentally and emotionally - not just physiy. It sounds to me like she needs hormone therapy and counseling. If she's tried both and they're unsuccessful then you're just either going to have to deal with no sex, make an agreement for you to get it elsewhere or get a divorce.
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  • dooms

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    2013-03-15 1-09-11-

    Oh, come on, lots of women have hysterectomies and still enjoy sex. Except for when it is incubating a fetus, the uterus is basiy a useless organ. Oddly, in the USA, some x% of women over x have had their uteri removed. In France, where doctors actually like women, only x% have had their uteri surgiy cut out of their bodies. If only the uterus is removed, there should be no effect on sex drive. If the ovaries are also removed, then there are hormonal issues which can affect sex drive. But normally women with ovariectomies are given hormones in pill form make up for the hormonal imbalance. Many women enjoy sex MORE after hysterectomies, for various reasons: no more fear of pregnancy, no more pain from fibroids or endometriosis, etc. So, I think if what you say is true, that the wife does not love you or care about your happiness. I think your self esteem has suffered from her lack of caring and attention. I think your little apology test is silly. You don't leave a marriage over a trivial test --- you leave it because after trying everything to make it work, you still find no real happiness. Can you go away on a trip or vacation by yourself for a couple of weeks to think about things?
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  • amacher

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    2013-06-04 23-42-57

    Gosh that's a pretty big reason to lose a sex drive. She had a hysterectomy.... she could be very depressed. I don't know the physcial mechanics of what happens after a hysterectomy but is she able to lubricate? can pain be an issue here? I think when you talk to her.... try to sympathize with her....
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  • Quoc-Vu

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    2013-11-21 10-32-10

    it doesn't sound like you are being unreasonable she still has a clitoris. what does she say when you talk about it? can you make a deal that she will be game for sex a couple times a month even if she's not in the mood, to see if things can stir up down there?
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  • koepke

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    2014-07-07 1-12-30-

    He said they had sex every x weeks or so.
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    buck

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    2015-08-25 20-37-30

    Would it maybe help if she just uh, helped out when you masturbate? Have you asked her to be in the room, next to you, maybe helping touch your body or your face, maybe kissing you while you masturbate? It's not the same as sex, but it could help nourish the physical intimacy. And perhaps if she did that a couple of times while you took care of your needs, then maybe she would find herself feeling turned on? Ask her to take your hand, and hold it, or place it on her body. Anything for some contact while you orgasm. It sounds as though it's been hard to talk about these things; you get frustrated, and she s you mean. I'm sure you've tried many different things, but maybe she just doesn't realize how much she's hurting you. Start slowly, baby steps, and maybe youwill soon be making great strides together.
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