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Pages: hardest phone of my life [1]
Author Topic: Hardest phone of my life

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2011-07-23 17-11-18

hardest phone of my life I made the hardest phone of my life today. I ed my ex-husband and told him that I was screwed up and that no matter what I did I seemed to end up in a different version of the same screwed up place. I told him I knew I had to figure out how to stop it and that I didn't want to drag the boys through the mud of that process. I asked him if our boys, x and x, could come to Dallas and stay with him until the end of the school year, maybe even the end of summer. My story, since birth, doesn’t go long without abuse, addiction, dysfunction, etc. I've spent the last couple of years delving into myself, tracing the jagged paths to the origin of my many skewed beliefs about love, life, relationships, family, sex, God, myself, etc. It’s just too much. It runs too deep. Since my divorce in x, I have had x or x semi-serious relationships all ending in dramatic disaster. In June of this year, my boyfriend at the time ran me over with his truck and completely shattered my pelvis. As soon as I could walk again, no joke, I got back together with my ex, ex-boyfriend who moved from x hours away and in with me only to last a total of x days before ing someone to come and get him and his ren and bring them back to where they came from. In the same amount of time, I have lost three jobs. I've had x cars break down, went without for years and then totaled the latest day before yesterday pulling out in front of some ...which I then lied about. I've been in a position where I had no money and didn't know where I was going to live on at least x occasions, not including now. I can't win. Here I am again. No job, no car, about to be evicted. A relationship in ruins. Only this time I see that I got me here. I'm not a victim, I sabotage. I make horrible decisions and bounce off of everyone around me. I lie, manipulate, control and construe. It's a twisted, self-destructive web that I weave. I'm completely overwhelmed just in the awareness of its existence and I don't know what to do from here.
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